the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
