I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
