I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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