i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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