I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize