Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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