I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
we're so committed to being not committed
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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