LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
