I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
