so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
