shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
