hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize