eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
