he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
