I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
