were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
