I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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