that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
