My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
