I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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