I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
