I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish you could order shots online.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
