Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
