It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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