Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
