At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
