I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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