Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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