So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize