I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
