drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
