I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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