Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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