Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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