Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
