I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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