My pussy is not your playground.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
