Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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