Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
