I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
