Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
