We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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