Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
