I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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