So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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