he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
