Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
pop tarts are not kleenex
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am never drinking with the goths again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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