i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
