Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
