you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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