You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Is it because I queefed?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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