i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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