so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize