Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
