I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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