i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
