I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize