People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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