Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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