On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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