I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize